2023: Grab less; Open more

I was blessed with abundant Christmases as a child. The tree was surrounded by gifts, and it took all morning and then some to open them all. Yes, I was blessed, but I was also exhausted by it all. Rather than savor this sweater or ball, I looked for the next unopened package. In the end, I sat surrounded by gifts and paralyzed by which one I should focus on.

Unfortunately, I do the same with my life, and it’s never more apparent than at the start of a new year. With high hopes and countless expectations for the coming year, I get lost in all the possibilities surrounding me. Like a child, I don’t know where, or on what, to focus.

This year, I’m trying something different. Rather than grab (this gift or that, this resolution or that) I’m going to open my hands. Aware of the many gifts I’ve been given, I want to receive this year, this day, this moment, this person, this opportunity, this challenge as the gift it is. I don’t want to force it to be more than it is, nor do I want to diminish or dilute it. Remembering the many who were not given 2023, I want to breathe deep and, with a profound sense of gratitude, walk into this year with a grateful and obedient heart. I want to show up and be present and see what God has in store for me.

My hunch is it will be more than I can imagine. All I have to do is grab less and open more.

Getting Choked Up

These are difficult days, goes the refrain for those who are struggling during the holidays. The lights, decorations, and music are emotional triggers for some, and instead of being a season of joy it becomes a season of sadness.

As I listened to someone getting choked up talking about it, I thought about why this season carries such power. While I have always adored Christmas, there’s a deep longing and sadness that lie beneath the surface. Thinking of my childhood and Christmases with my children, I can get pulled beneath the surface of the season and closer to my soul’s deepest longings. Like my friend, I get choked up easily at this time of year.

Fred Buechner, one of my favorite spiritual writers, said that when we get choked up, when our hearts ascend into our throats, we should pay attention. It’s then that our defenses are lower, and our souls are closer. In a season when we talk about God being with us, when we’re reminded of the gift of family and friends, when the losses of life point us to the sacredness of every minute, it is little wonder why we find ourselves getting choked up.

To be unable to sing a carol because our heart is in our throat is a reason to give thanks for the gift of this time of year. It's difficult because it matters. The petty stuff we so often focus on slips away and we face the memories, blessings, and longings found only in our souls. No wonder we get choked up.

May it always be so.

Advent I: Becoming expectant

Expectations are the kiss of death. As they say in 12-step recovery circles, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” No matter how hard I try, I find myself walking through life with countless expectations. I rejoice when they’re met and groan when they are not.

Nowhere is that more apparent than during the holidays. Whether fueled by romantic views of my childhood, or a deep longing for things to be “just so,” I come to this time of year with a sleigh full of expectations. No wonder I’m often frustrated and disappointed. I end up seeing what isn’t, rather than what is.

This year I’m trying to change my perspective by altering my stance. Instead of standing back, leaning on my heels with arms crossed waiting to see how this Christmas season doesn’t meet my expectations, I’m unfolding my arms and leaning on my toes as if peering over a wall to see what this season might bring. I’m trying to give up my expectations so I can become expectant

With such a changed stance, the season itself becomes a gift. I unwrap it, not wondering if the giver had listened to my instructions and bought what I specifically asked for. Instead, I celebrate the mystery of the gift itself, knowing the giver knows just what I need.